Thursday, October 11, 2007

14 Years Old Today

14 years ago we were at Miami Valley Hospital in Dayton Ohio. Awaiting the birth of our first born son with uncertainty. The Dr came in and checked me and said that I was fully dilated. How could that be? I had no pain, not even a cramp. But yet here I was fully dilated and ready to give birth. I wanted Alex to remain right where he was but the Dr Lolita Rana-Garcia said it was either Alex's life or risk mine. I chose mine but being as I wasn't really of sound mind at the time Dwyane chose to keep me around a bit longer.

That night was rough. The nurse told us that I would have a cramp and just 'pass' him out. Nothing prepared me for the inevitable. Every two hours that sweet man of mine put me on the bed pan and gently washed me up with soap and water and tucked me back in again. When it seemed I was in too much pain or couldn't sleep he would get the nurse and ask for pain and or sleeping meds. The nurse offered to do the bed pan duty but dear Dwyane assured her that he wanted to do it.

Morning came. Dr Rana came in and said it was time. She broke my water and said I had to push. Here I thought I would just have a cramp and pass him out. Nope I had to push the whole 1 pound 2 ounces of Alex out. He came out and kicked one, cried once and that was it. The nurses wrapped him up and gave him to daddy. I remember Dwyane giving him to me to hold but I was under so many meds that he was quickly taken away. I remember letting out a heart wrenching sob at seeing my son and knowing that we wouldn't have much time with him.

Dwyane held him for the hour he was alive. He sang to him and talked to him and told him how much his daddy loved him. Alex took his last breathe and I was still so out of it.

The nurses took Alex away at that point and left Dwyane and I to contemplate what we were going to do. The nurse said that they could 'deal' with him as they did with other young babies who were born too soon. Phone calls were made to family members telling them of Alex's death. My dear Uncle Jerry and Aunt Rita offered some advice. Take your time, you don't have to decide anything right now.

That night my husband sobbed - I had never heard him cry ever and to this day that is the only time I have heard him cry. He just sobbed and sobbed. The next day we made some decisions. We had Alex cremated and we were able to see him one more time at the funeral home. What a little little person he was. At 22 weeks he was fully formed, beautiful in every way.

Alex's body is now in an urn that is in my bedroom. Someday we will bury him but not until Dwyane or I decide to leave this world. At that point he will be buried with us.

Thank you dear Alex for a wonderful pregnancy. For the wonders of what it was like carrying my first born and feeling your kicks. Thank you for teaching your dad and I that life does go on after someone passes. The pain diminishes but the memories stay. The memories of what you would have looked like, what your personality would have been like, whether you would have been a creative soul like your sister, or logical and a thinker like your brother, or just a straight out monkey like your little brother. I can't wait to meet you dear one. Til we meet again, All my love. Mom